My cat is an asshole

My cat is a jerk. No that's too nice. He's an asshole.

He was born to my parents' cat, which weirdly makes him both my adopted son and my nephew. His greyish blue fur coat makes him look pure bred. I assure you, he's just a barnyard cat.

We've had him since he was six weeks old. We feed him every day only to find him in the mid afternoon perched on the desk, sprawled on top of my reading glasses and a book.

He always looks at me as if to say, "What do you want? I'm here so go find another spot. I've laid claim to everything on this desk". When I push him off, he meows. No, meowing is a cute noise. He lets out a bawl as if to say, you're hurting me, put me down before I chomp on that fleshy hand.

When he was young, we neutered him and de-clawed all four paws. Back claws and leather sofas are not a good combination for wildly playful kittens. He can't scratch me, even though he's tried. Maybe that's why he hates me.

The only time he's nice to me is in the morning when his fat ass crawls out of my daughter's bed to get fed. Once he knows the cat dish is full, he rubs his paw continuously over the door to be let out.

He's an indoor cat, but we let him outside for a few hours a day in the summer months. We live in the country and we're a safe distance from the road. There are nights when he can't find him as it gets dark. With foxes, bobcats and who knows what else lurking in the bushes, we try to get him to come in. But he's an asshole and assholes live on their own time. There have been a few nights he's been left outside to fend for himself. He usually wakes us up around 2am begging to come back in. I guess the big cat is not so tough with all of the real animals outside.

I swear he's tried to trip me a couple of times on the staircase as I wander down in the middle of the night. He'll run down the stairs only to stop on the fourth one and lay down. His greyish blue fur blends perfectly with our cherry staircase in the dark. No broken bones yet, but he's trying his damnedest.

I've always liked cats. I think it's the fur. Petting a cat is like snuggling with a live teddy bear. My cat doesn't like to be petted. He uses me for food, then he leaves.

Why I keep this asshole in my life is beyond me. I guess he's family and family sticks together.