Tuesday, September 16, 2014

We need to talk

Going to get my first cup of coffee of the morning, my wife tells me we need to talk. Any time I'm informed of a need to talk, it's usually not a good way to start the day. My head sinks. My insides hurt. I want to run away shaking my head, while plugging my ears, screaming at the top of my lungs, "NANANANANANA".

Normal for a kid, but unfortunately not acceptable for me. I take my punishment. I listen. As hard as it is to keep my yap shut, I'm well aware that a talk is really her talking and me being quiet. So I bite my tongue, mute the sports highlights and I nod. I agree to as much as I possibly can. But I listen. Even when I'm not listening, I keep my eyes focused on hers. If nothing else she thinks I'm listening. 

I'm a puppy. My mind races as the subject gets boring. That goal was unreal. Too bad I couldn't hear what the announcer just said. I can't believe I listened for this long. It has to be a world record. Did anyone time me? I'm sure my wife is proud of me for listening today. Maybe I'll get a treat when she's done. Wait a minute. Her mouth is still moving. She is not done. Turn away from the TV. What did she just say? I hope she won't ask me to repeat what she just said. Just keep nodding as if you heard every word I think to myself. 

Then the dreaded question comes out, "What do you think"? as she rubs my nose in my mistake. Now that it's my turn to talk, I scroll through the possible answers.
"I couldn't give a rat's ass" 
"Whatever you think"
"I can't tell you how much I really don't care what you do"
"How much is this going to cost"

I'm screwed. I got nothing. She wants a two way conversation and I'm still trying to get a java fix, while catching up on last night's sports highlights. 

Sometimes I think I'm a terrible partner. But there are times when I think she knows I'm a puppy and she just tortures me for the fun of it.

As long as she thinks I'm cute, I should be ok. Dread be the day, she sees me as an old dog.

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