Don't be a squirrel dick

Mowing the lawn on my Ariens zero turn mower, I was thinking about squirrel dicks. I was thinking about the power of a warranty and how the usage of a guarantee can convince consumers to buy one particular brand over another.

The reason this random thought bubbled to the surface of my brain was that I just passed one of my rock gardens. One of the goals this summer was to remove all the rocks, put down a new landscape fabric and put the rocks back to a weedless paradise.

The fabric I bought had a guarantee to keep weeds out for 10 years. Satisfied with the work of the first bed, I decided to do a second one. Run out of fabric, I returned to the hardware store. Looking for the same fabric, the salesperson laughed and disclaimed, "Don't believe that 10 year crap". She pointed me to a more expensive, thicker fabric.

Three weeks later, the saleslady's words pierced my ears just like the weeds between the rocks. Forget about 10 years, I barely got 10 days out of that f'ing warranty.

I'm pissed. I bought the fabric based on a faulty guarantee. The price of the fabric is minor compared to the ten hours of work I spent on the damn bed. I am entitled to a refund. But I don't care about the refund. All I wanted was a weedfree garden. And I don't have it. I feel duped. I feel used. I am mad at this company for lying to me. And I'll never buy from them again.

The guarantee was made by a bunch of spineless eels. Slippery, elusive with small squirrel dicks.

All this is going through my mind when I hear a "clunk" noise followed by a "smash", "boom". The engine stops and smoke starts oozing out of my mower like it's on fire. I don't know much about motors, but it sounded like and looked like the motor just blew. I got off the seat to check the engine to see that my initial thought was right.

My $4000 machine is now a heap of scrap metal. 11 months past the original warranty, the dealer, the manufacturer both said there was nothing they could do. Both passed me off to the motor manufacturer.

I didn't buy a Kawasaki mower. I bought an Ariens mower that happened to have a Kawasaki engine. I MAY never buy a Kawasaki machine because of this mishap but I have a guarantee of my own. If this problem isn't rectified with reasonable action, I WILL never buy an Ariens product again.

Squirrel Dicks!

If you had a bad order of french fries at McDonalds, would you expect Mcdonalds to pass the buck to the potato farmer?
If you had an iPad problem, would you expect Apple to send you to the component manufacturer?
If you had a quart of milk, would you be sent to the farmer that pasteurized it?

No in all cases. If we are married to the brand, we expect the brand to stand up and help us when we are in need.

In my case, although the warranty has expired, I don't believe a reasonable amount of time has passed. Engines should last longer than 111 hours.

Tilley has a warranty. Replaced for free if they ever wear out! Now that's a company with big kahunas. That's a brand I like. Standing for the customer. Making sure the purchaser never gets buyer remorse.

Crocs has a guarantee. 100% satisfaction. I bought a pair of Crocs that hurt my feet. Four days after I called customer service, a new pair arrived completely free of charge. No hassle,  and no having to pay for return shipping.

Companies have to understand customers are the creators of profitability. A poor customer experience spreads. Whether quickly or slowly, it is guaranteed to spread and hurt future purchases. In today's internet world, it usually spreads quickly. The customer who complains, whether unreasonably or not is a virus for future profitability.

It doesn't matter if a customer complaint is unreasonable. The sellers definition of unreasonable may be quite different than the purchaser's definition. The purchaser's definition is the only thing that matters.

The way to protect future profitability is to kill as many viruses as possible no matter how unprofitable it may be in the short term.

There is no room for squirrel dicks here. You have to act fast and boldly to protect the business's future.

The only way to kill viruses is to grow a pair.

See Dick sell.
See Dick not take care of his customer.
See Customer never buy from Dick again.
Don't be a squirrel dick.

PS. This is the actual conversation I had with Ariens support. Squirrel dicks. No responsibility on motor problems even if the machine was bought the day before...