We need to talk

Going to get my first cup of coffee of the morning, my wife tells me we need to talk. Any time I'm informed of a need to talk, it's usually not a good way to start the day. My head sinks. My insides hurt. I want to run away shaking my head, while plugging my ears, screaming at the top of my lungs, "NANANANANANA".

Normal for a kid, but unfortunately not acceptable for me. I take my punishment. I listen. As hard as it is to keep my yap shut, I'm well aware that a talk is really her talking and me being quiet. So I bite my tongue, mute the sports highlights and I nod. I agree to as much as I possibly can. But I listen. Even when I'm not listening, I keep my eyes focused on hers. If nothing else she thinks I'm listening. 

I'm a puppy. My mind races as the subject gets boring. That goal was unreal. Too bad I couldn't hear what the announcer just said. I can't believe I listened for this long. It has to be a world record. Did anyone time me? I'm sure my wife is proud of me for listening today. Maybe I'll get a treat when she's done. Wait a minute. Her mouth is still moving. She is not done. Turn away from the TV. What did she just say? I hope she won't ask me to repeat what she just said. Just keep nodding as if you heard every word I think to myself. 

Then the dreaded question comes out, "What do you think"? as she rubs my nose in my mistake. Now that it's my turn to talk, I scroll through the possible answers.

"I couldn't give a rat's ass" 

"Whatever you think"

"I can't tell you how much I really don't care what you do"

"How much is this going to cost"

I'm screwed. I got nothing. She wants a two way conversation and I'm still trying to get a java fix, while catching up on last night's sports highlights. 

Sometimes I think I'm a terrible partner. But there are times when I think she knows I'm a puppy and she just tortures me for the fun of it.

As long as she thinks I'm cute, I should be ok. Dread be the day, she sees me as an old dog.