What does a coach do?

I always thought a coach told players what to do. My coaches ran practices like army drills. They were tough.

Kids' coaches including teachers, parents, sports coaches, and music coaches. As adults we stop getting coaching. We rely on friends to tell us what to do.

Did you know the friend may be the worst type of coach you can have.

A friend may be afraid for you. A friend who has not had a similar experience cannot coach you through your problem. In those cases, any advice you receive cannot be trusted, even if it came from your most trusted confidant.

A good friend will listen. Listening is only half of the answer. The other half is asking the right questions. The questions are more important than the feedback your friend offers you. Without experience, your buddy cannot ask the right questions.

As I get older, I respect the coach more now than ever before. A good coach doesn't tell us what to do. She trains us to tell ourselves what we want to do.

The professional athlete has a fitness coach, a nutrition coach, a media relations coach, a financial coach, a personal coach, an agent, etc. 

Besides a few friends, what coaches do you have?

Sports Nation

I love my sports.

There was a time, I used to idolize the players as they performed their craft. The commitment level it takes to play professional sports today is off the charts. As a forty-ish year old man, playing professional sports is a dream I will never realize.

There was a time, training camp was to get all the athletes back in shape from the off season. Today, athletes train year round. Even when the season is over, they are in the gym. They constantly look for an edge to make them better, faster, stronger.

The game has gotten more competitive. There are more players trying to make the big leagues. Baseball has found new talent in Japan and India. Hockey now has access to players in Russia, which it didn't have 30 years ago.

The games are getting bigger. The players are stronger. The television coverage is better. And the dollars are astromungous.

I don't idolize the sport and its players much anymore.

The thing that appeals to me most about professional sport is the coach.

Coaches are not selected based on age or athleticism. Coaches were typically not great players. A great coach has an ability to get the most out of the players. The coach is the leader.

Yet teams still focus on players. They work free agency to pay for the best "free" talent only to mess with their team chemistry.

Coaches are chopped when players don't respond. Ironic in a way.

The coaches are my new idols in sport.

The Power of the Pause

The best speakers are the ones who know when to say nothing. As they share their material, they stop, as if they were about to tell a joke. The silence is maddening. They wait until finally.... they deliver the rest of the story.

The pauses are deliberate. They are used for effect. They act like a comedian delivering a punchline. The pause is a powerful tool.

Yet in life, we rarely pause. We rush from our bed, to get to work. We rush from work to pick up the kids. We rush from soccer practice to get the groceries. In December, we hurry through all of our obligations to buy gifts for loved ones. We scurry to friends and families trying not to forget anyone.

We rush through our conversations. We think that everything will be easier when the holidays are over. Only to realize there are a new set of things to do on the other side of December.

I think sometimes we like to rush. Maybe we get addicted to it. If they don't feel close to the edge of the cliff, they don't feel alive.

Other times, we are disorganized and ultimately feel overwhelmed.

We talk fast to get through to the next thought in the conversation.
We drive fast to get to our destination.
We eat fast so we can watch some TV.
And some of us have sex fast so we can go to sleep.

It sounded ridiculous when I wrote the previous paragraph. But it's true!

We all know the magic happens in the journey. Yet I'll be the first to admit I rarely look for it.

How do you find your powerful pause?

Goal setting

I'm a member of a peer to peer mentoring group. It's a group that allows each member to share our goals, our dreams, our challenges, and our successes.

We talk about our businesses. We talk about our families. We talk about ourselves.

The reason I joined this group was to bounce ideas off others that didn't include family, friends and employees. The more I share, the more I get out of the meetings.

The biggest challenge of the group is goal setting and achievement. I'm the bad guy. The goalie. The guy that challenges others when they haven't achieved a goal they set for themselves.

If you ask my kids, they'll say I love being the bad guy. In fact, I hate it.

I'm as undisciplined as anyone else in the group. I set goals only to achieve 67% of them. I have no excuse. I don't have a job. I don't have a business. The distractions that everyone else have are not mine. I'm somewhat lazy.

Here's what I've learned about goals recently. The reason for achieving the goal is stronger than the goal itself.

If you set goals and don't achieve them, don't despair. I'm with you. The fact that you write down your goals puts you in the top 10% of people. Most actually don't take the time to put them on paper.

If you don't achieve your goal, check your reasons why you set the goal in the first place. I bet your reasons for setting the goal aren't very strong.

I'm trying to lose weight. It seems like everything I try falls apart. I know someone who lost 40 pounds recently. His reason might be a bit stronger. He separated from his wife and wants to look good as he reenters the dating scene.

Start saying "Yes"

There are a lot of reasons someone says no. There are pleasers who take on extra responsibilities to the detriment of their own goals.

I recently had to go to a funeral for a member of my wife's family. It forced me to reflect on life. I didn't really know the person but people I care about were saddened by the loss. There are things that have to be done that no one wants to do on such a sad occasion. Someone always does them.

I know I'm aging as I'm asked to participate in more funerals. I don't like doing it. I don't think anyone does. It's not the attention. It's the sadness that bothers me. Yet I continue to say yes.

The person planning the funeral has a lot on her plate. Asking people to assist in the burial isn't what she wants to do either, but someone has to do it.

When someone says no, it means the planner has to ask someone else, which means more work in a time when grieving takes a back seat to actual work.

I could never put into words why I say yes until now. It has always felt like the right thing to do.

I never let my thoughts get in the way of these demands. Of course I don't want to do it. If I think about it too long, I'll say no. So I don't think. By saying yes, without thought makes me committed. Once someone is dependent on me, I won't let them down.

Funerals aside, some of my best life experiences have come from just saying yes. Was I scared? It didn't matter. Once committed, I had to do it. My growth has come from being utterly shitless and just saying "Yes" anyways.

I'm not writing about the pleasers who need to practice saying "no" in the mirror. I'm writing about those who need to say a few more "yeses". Your ability to say yes will have a direct impact on your future growth.

Discipline

I grew up in a house that was quite lenient. In a time when most kids still got the belt across the bum, I can't remember getting one.

I remember being afraid of my father when he shouted. His voice could carry for miles and vibrate my bones to cry. My mother was not intimidating. She tried to be. When she got mad at us, her face was a mix between Jerry Seinfeld and Bobo the Clown.  She would yell and we would laugh at her.

Mom's only effective measure for discipline was the usage of six dreaded words, "Wait until your father gets home".

As adults what forces keep us disciplined?

Going to work five days a week keeps us on track. If we don't go to work, we may lose our job. Is it still fear that keeps us disciplined? The habit of going to work every day makes it easy to go through the motions.

I was asked a great question yesterday. Do you have 10 years' experience or do you have 1 year's experience repeated 10 times?"

Over the past year, there's been no job waiting for me. There's been no one, except myself, scaring me to go to work. There have been days that I stayed in my pyjamas while most people went to work.

I have no routine. I started writing. I went back to reading. I renewed an exercise routine about 7 times. All for it to get squashed by the lack of discipline.

Three days ago, as I draw closer to buying another business, I woke up at 4:30am. I went to the office and drank a lemon water while the keyboard started putting words to a computer screen. Before anyone awoke I had written two blogs and I had read 60 pages. Full of energy I started and finished a business plan, had a meeting with a banker, and I exercised for 40 minutes. I had made pancakes for everyone when they woke up, helped with the lessons when the kids got home and even did the dishes after supper. Going to bed at 8:30pm exhausted, I knew the day was a complete success. I fullfilled my potential for that day.

The next morning was a similar day. Again I felt I had done everything I could have for the day.

Day three and I'm feeling alive. For me, the key to my discipline over the last three days has been limited television, sleeping early and rising before the roosters.

Discipline is self directed. As adults no one can instill it in us except ourselves.

How's your discipline?

Awoken in the night

Something breaks
Daddy screams
To hell with you
To hell with him

You drunken fool
Mommy cries
You'll wake the kids
It's 11 pm

I am tired
He whisperedly shouts
Is it Dennis or
Is it Tim

My eyes are open
My body aches
Is this beginning
Is this the end

What's this mean
My body seizes
I pray to you
I cry to HIM

Confusion enters
I love them both
I'm a boy
I'm only ten

No more sleeping
I'm mad inside
I bang the walls
I hurt my hand

Footsteps approach
Someone whispers
We're only talking
Go back to bed

With tearied face
I move my lips
To hell with you
To hell with him