There are typically three answers to a closed ended question - yes, no or maybe.
If you're looking for an answer to something, using the closed ended question may not be your best approach unless you know how to get people to make a decision. When I was growing up, my parents always said "maybe". We quickly picked up the non committal forces and would ask "maybe-yes or maybe-no". We wanted a yes. If our parents couldn't commit to a yes, we wanted them at least leaning toward the yes.
Research shows that most don't like saying no. They may reject the idea, but they don't want to reject the person presenting the idea. We don't want to hurt people's feelings. We don't like hearing "no", so we don't like saying either.
Unless the interrogator is being an asshole, what do we say instead? We deflect, just like my parents did, by saying, "let me think about it", which is in effect a "maybe".
Maybes suck. In most cases, they are just a "no" disguised as a potential "yes".
In my limited sales training, I've learnt that maybes are not an acceptable response. In any sales scenario, we ultimately need a yes or a no.
The best stuff I learn comes from my kids. This morning, my daughter asked me to buy her a movie for the twenty second time. I've told her no 21 times prior to today. She refuses to accept a no response. Today, she replied, "I'm tired of hearing a no, give me a different answer that's not no or maybe". I never said maybe before so I immediately questioned the problem with a maybe.
In her eight year old wisdom, she asserts "Maybes are for babies".
She is absolutely right. I love it.
If someone asks you a question that requires a yes or no, don't be baby. Be honest enough with yourself and the other person to give a "yes" or "no" answer.
Remember, a "no" answer is a salesperson's second favourite word.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Born to sell
I heard a statement recently, "She could sell ice to an Eskimo". I got the connection. The usage of the cliche states that this person knows what she's doing when it comes to sales. The connotation of selling a product to someone without a true need is the epitome of being a good salesperson. That's what was suggested.
Yesterday a friend and I reminisced about our sales experience as Boy Scouts. As a representative of a visible minority when I wore my uniform, I would knock on doors and beg for money in exchange for product or service. Soapy sponges, ball point pens, chocolate bars, apples was the easy sell. The hard sell was gathering cash in return for a promise to plant trees. At least I thought it was the hard sell. Everybody always gave something, even the stingy, greedy guy. I hated going to his house. He would play with my confidence and try to get a bargain. Worse part was I knew he wasn't the playful type. He really wanted a deal.
Already questioning motive, this type of selling did not appeal to me. Hence sales has always been a prickly thorn that I would keep my side away from.
Here's what I know about sales. We all do it. We've always done it. My kids beg for the latest greatest toy. If I say no, they persist with the whiney "Pleeeeeaaaasssse". If that doesn't work, the sales tactics escalate to tantrums, silent treatment or they ask the real decision maker, their mother.
We sell to our spouses reasons why a certain car or house should be purchased. We sell ourselves to our employer. We are all in the business of sales.
It's how good we are at it that determines our results.
Good does not mean selling something that no one needs. Good at selling means identifying what your prospects need and showing them how they can achieve their needs/wants with your product.
A good salesman would never sell ice to someone that doesn't need it. A good salesman will identify the prospect's pain by asking a series of questions. A good salesman may tell the lead that they don't need ice. It's not about making a sale. It's about helping others get what they want.
PS. My apologies to anyone I have offended by using the word Eskimo. I realize this is not the politically correct term but I didn't say these words. I am merely quoting the cliche that I heard.
Yesterday a friend and I reminisced about our sales experience as Boy Scouts. As a representative of a visible minority when I wore my uniform, I would knock on doors and beg for money in exchange for product or service. Soapy sponges, ball point pens, chocolate bars, apples was the easy sell. The hard sell was gathering cash in return for a promise to plant trees. At least I thought it was the hard sell. Everybody always gave something, even the stingy, greedy guy. I hated going to his house. He would play with my confidence and try to get a bargain. Worse part was I knew he wasn't the playful type. He really wanted a deal.
Already questioning motive, this type of selling did not appeal to me. Hence sales has always been a prickly thorn that I would keep my side away from.
Here's what I know about sales. We all do it. We've always done it. My kids beg for the latest greatest toy. If I say no, they persist with the whiney "Pleeeeeaaaasssse". If that doesn't work, the sales tactics escalate to tantrums, silent treatment or they ask the real decision maker, their mother.
We sell to our spouses reasons why a certain car or house should be purchased. We sell ourselves to our employer. We are all in the business of sales.
It's how good we are at it that determines our results.
Good does not mean selling something that no one needs. Good at selling means identifying what your prospects need and showing them how they can achieve their needs/wants with your product.
A good salesman would never sell ice to someone that doesn't need it. A good salesman will identify the prospect's pain by asking a series of questions. A good salesman may tell the lead that they don't need ice. It's not about making a sale. It's about helping others get what they want.
PS. My apologies to anyone I have offended by using the word Eskimo. I realize this is not the politically correct term but I didn't say these words. I am merely quoting the cliche that I heard.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
You wanna achieve something spectacular
Do you actively write down your goals? If you don't, that has to be the first step for growth. There is something powerful about writing them down. It's a secret passage way to your superconscious.
If you do write down your goals, how often do you review them? That's the second step. The amount you review them and the way they are written will affect your response and your ability to recognize the opportunities as they present themselves.
In Brian Tracy's book, "Goals", he instructs us to write down goals in the present, in the first person in a positive frame of mind.
For example: If you have a goal to lose 20 lbs and you currently weigh 170 lbs. The right way to express the goal is:
"I weigh a healthy 150 lbs."
If you want to double your income and you currently make $40,000/year.
"I earn $80,000 per year."
The key to attainment of goals is to write them down everyday, without reviewing the previous day's goals. Only the true goals that are important to you will rise to the top. Brian Tracy suggests writing 10 annual goals as soon as you get up, using the positive, present, personal method. Then review them every night before you go to bed.
Organically, these goals get cemented into the superconscious and they magically get attracted to you.
From experience, I know that any habit will be formed after 30 days of continuous action. I can do this for 30 days. After that, doing it for the rest of the year will be a breeze. I suggest you try it as well. What's the worst that could happen? We waste 5 minutes a day for a year. That's only 30 hours over the entire year. Some of us waste that in a week watching TV.
Without looking back, I started writing my annual goals every morning three days ago. It's interesting that some goals just three days ago did not make my list today. Out of the 10 goals, 6 of them appear everyday. The statements are getting more concise and clearer every day.
I challenge you to write 10 goals every morning in the present, personal, positive frame of mind. Do it for a month without looking back.
Don't forget the other two rules of goal setting.
1. They have to be realistic.
2. They have to be measurable.
I would say "Good Luck", but in this case you don't need luck. You need action. Are you up for a challenge?
If you do write down your goals, how often do you review them? That's the second step. The amount you review them and the way they are written will affect your response and your ability to recognize the opportunities as they present themselves.
In Brian Tracy's book, "Goals", he instructs us to write down goals in the present, in the first person in a positive frame of mind.
For example: If you have a goal to lose 20 lbs and you currently weigh 170 lbs. The right way to express the goal is:
"I weigh a healthy 150 lbs."
If you want to double your income and you currently make $40,000/year.
"I earn $80,000 per year."
The key to attainment of goals is to write them down everyday, without reviewing the previous day's goals. Only the true goals that are important to you will rise to the top. Brian Tracy suggests writing 10 annual goals as soon as you get up, using the positive, present, personal method. Then review them every night before you go to bed.
Organically, these goals get cemented into the superconscious and they magically get attracted to you.
From experience, I know that any habit will be formed after 30 days of continuous action. I can do this for 30 days. After that, doing it for the rest of the year will be a breeze. I suggest you try it as well. What's the worst that could happen? We waste 5 minutes a day for a year. That's only 30 hours over the entire year. Some of us waste that in a week watching TV.
Without looking back, I started writing my annual goals every morning three days ago. It's interesting that some goals just three days ago did not make my list today. Out of the 10 goals, 6 of them appear everyday. The statements are getting more concise and clearer every day.
I challenge you to write 10 goals every morning in the present, personal, positive frame of mind. Do it for a month without looking back.
Don't forget the other two rules of goal setting.
1. They have to be realistic.
2. They have to be measurable.
I would say "Good Luck", but in this case you don't need luck. You need action. Are you up for a challenge?
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
How we started our family - Part IV
We hadn't yet felt the warm summer wind in Atlanta when we were served another surprise. The airline lost one of our bags. The bag had Aline's favourite dress. The dress she planned to wear the first time we picked up the baby was now missing.
We had a tight schedule so instead of waiting for the airline to figure their shit out, we left our coordinates in hopes to see the bag in the coming days. We didn't realize that we would never see the contents of that bag again.
Off to Chattanooga we went. Three hours in a blue Chevy Impala. I already felt like a dad. Only dad's drive Impalas, right?
Once in Chattanooga, instead of rushing to the hospital, we went out to eat. Outback Steakhouse is one of my favourite restaurants and we found one near our hotel. We took one last meal as a family of two. Admittedly, we didn't dilly dally. We were too damned excited.
We trekked to Erlanger Medical Center where we were to meet our baby for the very first time. The nurses were awesome. They brought us into an examination room and told us to wait. They would bring the baby to us. What seemed like an hour, was really only a few minutes. In those minutes, we talked quickly about the things we had been through. We talked about our dream coming true. It was hard to believe we had finally achieved our goal. It was like we had just won a championship. A championship that no one was competing with us, but we were competing with and against ourselves.
Three nurses walked in carrying a little girl. She was so small. We both started to cry. I was standing behind Aline. With tears rolling down my face, I whispered into her ear, "Remember what we said, it's not if we'll have a baby, it's when. Today is the when. Today is the when." I repeated "Today is the when" about five times just to remind myself that this was not a dream.
The love a parent has for a child is immediate. Whether the child is a biological birth or not, I can assure you the moment I saw this little baby, I fell in love with her. The nurses wheeled Aline out in a wheelchair, just like they would do with any new mommy. It was a nice touch!
We were informed that evening that the birth mother wanted to meet us before signing the legal guardianship with the judge. We agreed to meet at an Applebee's two days later. Worried was now the emotion. This was the interview. If we failed, she could take her baby back. We had talked to her on the phone but this time it was in person.
When the time came to meet there was nothing we could do but put on our best interview face. She had to like us. What we didn't realize at the time was that she already liked us. She chose us. The baby almost slept the whole time at dinner. We had put her car seat next to her birth mom. We sat on the opposite side of the table. As she started to wake up, she heard the sound of her birth mother's voice. She hadn't heard this familiar voice for two days. Softly, the birth mother whispered, "Hello Mama". Immediately, the baby opened her eyes and looked directly into the eyes of the person who had cared for her, nurtured her, and created her.
Aline and I both saw it. This untouchable, unexplainable, desirable look of pure love. We could see the eternal bond between mother and child. We were going to break that. Aline ran to the bathroom. I sat there, with tears rolling down my cheeks again. We both got hold of our emotions as the birth mother was laughing at us. She was awesome. She cared so much about her baby, that she gave her away in order to give her a better life. I will always be grateful to this woman.
Wanna talk laws of attraction? The birth mother told us that when she chose us she only knew our first names. Once full disclosure was given, she found out that our last name was the same as her mother's. Our baby would have the same last name as her biological grandmother.
The next day was easy peasy. As most times with worry, we did it for nothing. The birth mother did not change her mind. The judge's son played professional football in Ottawa. The lawyers were sympathetic. Every body did as they were supposed to. We now had legal guardianship of our little girl. The adoption process would take another 6 months, but we could do that back home.
We had a tight schedule so instead of waiting for the airline to figure their shit out, we left our coordinates in hopes to see the bag in the coming days. We didn't realize that we would never see the contents of that bag again.
Off to Chattanooga we went. Three hours in a blue Chevy Impala. I already felt like a dad. Only dad's drive Impalas, right?
Once in Chattanooga, instead of rushing to the hospital, we went out to eat. Outback Steakhouse is one of my favourite restaurants and we found one near our hotel. We took one last meal as a family of two. Admittedly, we didn't dilly dally. We were too damned excited.
We trekked to Erlanger Medical Center where we were to meet our baby for the very first time. The nurses were awesome. They brought us into an examination room and told us to wait. They would bring the baby to us. What seemed like an hour, was really only a few minutes. In those minutes, we talked quickly about the things we had been through. We talked about our dream coming true. It was hard to believe we had finally achieved our goal. It was like we had just won a championship. A championship that no one was competing with us, but we were competing with and against ourselves.
Three nurses walked in carrying a little girl. She was so small. We both started to cry. I was standing behind Aline. With tears rolling down my face, I whispered into her ear, "Remember what we said, it's not if we'll have a baby, it's when. Today is the when. Today is the when." I repeated "Today is the when" about five times just to remind myself that this was not a dream.
The love a parent has for a child is immediate. Whether the child is a biological birth or not, I can assure you the moment I saw this little baby, I fell in love with her. The nurses wheeled Aline out in a wheelchair, just like they would do with any new mommy. It was a nice touch!
We were informed that evening that the birth mother wanted to meet us before signing the legal guardianship with the judge. We agreed to meet at an Applebee's two days later. Worried was now the emotion. This was the interview. If we failed, she could take her baby back. We had talked to her on the phone but this time it was in person.
When the time came to meet there was nothing we could do but put on our best interview face. She had to like us. What we didn't realize at the time was that she already liked us. She chose us. The baby almost slept the whole time at dinner. We had put her car seat next to her birth mom. We sat on the opposite side of the table. As she started to wake up, she heard the sound of her birth mother's voice. She hadn't heard this familiar voice for two days. Softly, the birth mother whispered, "Hello Mama". Immediately, the baby opened her eyes and looked directly into the eyes of the person who had cared for her, nurtured her, and created her.
Aline and I both saw it. This untouchable, unexplainable, desirable look of pure love. We could see the eternal bond between mother and child. We were going to break that. Aline ran to the bathroom. I sat there, with tears rolling down my cheeks again. We both got hold of our emotions as the birth mother was laughing at us. She was awesome. She cared so much about her baby, that she gave her away in order to give her a better life. I will always be grateful to this woman.
Wanna talk laws of attraction? The birth mother told us that when she chose us she only knew our first names. Once full disclosure was given, she found out that our last name was the same as her mother's. Our baby would have the same last name as her biological grandmother.
The next day was easy peasy. As most times with worry, we did it for nothing. The birth mother did not change her mind. The judge's son played professional football in Ottawa. The lawyers were sympathetic. Every body did as they were supposed to. We now had legal guardianship of our little girl. The adoption process would take another 6 months, but we could do that back home.
Monday, March 24, 2014
How we started our family - Part III
How were we going to pay for international adoption if I didn't have a job? We now weren't making enough money to pay for our current bills. Forget about bringing a new baby into the house...
We questioned everything again. Why is this happening?
There was an added problem. I wanted to buy a Cora's franchise. I was done with the corporate dog eat dog world. I wanted to work for myself and I didn't want to look for another salaried position.
I accepted a line cook position at an existing Cora's to make sure this was the right move. For $9.00/hour, I slugged away cooking breakfasts, pumping out bacon and eggs. Not working for money, I was now working for purpose. There was no way these wages could pay for the additional costs of a baby in a few months.
Then we got a call from American Adoptions. We were matched with a baby. The newborn pictures were awesome. We were so excited. With the match, we were given a bunch of medical information about the birth and the birth mother's health condition. After two hard days of discussions, we declined the match. Everything we had ever wanted was in our grasp, and we turned it down. We questioned why we would stop a baby from coming into our home. Were we not ready? Was the financial constraints too dangerous? The simple answer was no. There were complications with the birth and there were concerns the baby suffered brain damage. It was a responsibility we weren't comfortable accepting.
We had made it clear in our application that this type of match was not acceptable, so we made sure our adoption agency didn't try to sway from our requests in the future. It really hurt us to decline this baby.
We didn't hear much from our adoption agency for the next two months. We were worried we had offended them and they weren't marketing our profile. We mustered up the courage to call them to find out if everything was ok. They reassured us that everything was fine. They had trouble finding a match.
Imagine our insecurities. God doesn't allow us to make a child, so we'll adopt. Now others don't want to give us a child. What is wrong with us? Are we bad people who are destined to live childless forever?
Then on June 23, the phone rang. It rang as it always had before. It was our adoption agency. We were matched with a little girl in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The baby was born the day before. They wanted to know when we could be there to pick her up.
We could pick her up at the hospital or we could pick her up in an orphanage. It was our choice. We had to act fast because the hospital will only keep her for three days. One day had already passed.
The next call was to my wife. She was at work. As I recall this story, tears come to my eyes. I had the pleasure of telling her that her dream had just come true. We couldn't allow ourselves to get too excited. We already had a false match. This one felt different.
We had two days to get to a strange city. We planned on flying on the 6am flight on the 25th. This meant we had 24 hours to get everything ready. We had to talk to the birth mother. We had to secure financing for the adoption. We had to review medical papers about the condition of health of the baby and the birth mother. We had to reserve a hotel, a car, a flight itinerary. Then there were the legal documents we needed notarized before leaving. If that wasn't enough, Aline had to inform her boss that she was going on parental leave starting immediately.
On the 24th, our adoption agency told us they had made as good of a match as possible but there was always a potential the birth mother would change her mind. We would have to go to Tennessee, discharge the baby from the hospital. We would be her guardians until we could get in front of a judge three days later. At which time, both the birth mother and we would have to agree to legal guardianship.
It was a risk we were willing to take. Worst case scenario we would come home $6000 poorer. I was less concerned about the money. It was the emotional consequences that scared the shit out of me.
Having everything as best prepared as possible, we flew out of Moncton on June 25, connecting a flight in Toronto bound for Atlanta. From which we would rent a car and drive three hours to Chattanooga.
To be continued...
We questioned everything again. Why is this happening?
There was an added problem. I wanted to buy a Cora's franchise. I was done with the corporate dog eat dog world. I wanted to work for myself and I didn't want to look for another salaried position.
I accepted a line cook position at an existing Cora's to make sure this was the right move. For $9.00/hour, I slugged away cooking breakfasts, pumping out bacon and eggs. Not working for money, I was now working for purpose. There was no way these wages could pay for the additional costs of a baby in a few months.
Then we got a call from American Adoptions. We were matched with a baby. The newborn pictures were awesome. We were so excited. With the match, we were given a bunch of medical information about the birth and the birth mother's health condition. After two hard days of discussions, we declined the match. Everything we had ever wanted was in our grasp, and we turned it down. We questioned why we would stop a baby from coming into our home. Were we not ready? Was the financial constraints too dangerous? The simple answer was no. There were complications with the birth and there were concerns the baby suffered brain damage. It was a responsibility we weren't comfortable accepting.
We had made it clear in our application that this type of match was not acceptable, so we made sure our adoption agency didn't try to sway from our requests in the future. It really hurt us to decline this baby.
We didn't hear much from our adoption agency for the next two months. We were worried we had offended them and they weren't marketing our profile. We mustered up the courage to call them to find out if everything was ok. They reassured us that everything was fine. They had trouble finding a match.
Imagine our insecurities. God doesn't allow us to make a child, so we'll adopt. Now others don't want to give us a child. What is wrong with us? Are we bad people who are destined to live childless forever?
Then on June 23, the phone rang. It rang as it always had before. It was our adoption agency. We were matched with a little girl in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The baby was born the day before. They wanted to know when we could be there to pick her up.
We could pick her up at the hospital or we could pick her up in an orphanage. It was our choice. We had to act fast because the hospital will only keep her for three days. One day had already passed.
The next call was to my wife. She was at work. As I recall this story, tears come to my eyes. I had the pleasure of telling her that her dream had just come true. We couldn't allow ourselves to get too excited. We already had a false match. This one felt different.
We had two days to get to a strange city. We planned on flying on the 6am flight on the 25th. This meant we had 24 hours to get everything ready. We had to talk to the birth mother. We had to secure financing for the adoption. We had to review medical papers about the condition of health of the baby and the birth mother. We had to reserve a hotel, a car, a flight itinerary. Then there were the legal documents we needed notarized before leaving. If that wasn't enough, Aline had to inform her boss that she was going on parental leave starting immediately.
On the 24th, our adoption agency told us they had made as good of a match as possible but there was always a potential the birth mother would change her mind. We would have to go to Tennessee, discharge the baby from the hospital. We would be her guardians until we could get in front of a judge three days later. At which time, both the birth mother and we would have to agree to legal guardianship.
It was a risk we were willing to take. Worst case scenario we would come home $6000 poorer. I was less concerned about the money. It was the emotional consequences that scared the shit out of me.
Having everything as best prepared as possible, we flew out of Moncton on June 25, connecting a flight in Toronto bound for Atlanta. From which we would rent a car and drive three hours to Chattanooga.
To be continued...
Sunday, March 23, 2014
How we started our family - Part II
I learned a lot about obstacles and how to overcome them as we went through the process of having a baby. Having a clear vision and not wavering from it was the key to our success. This experience has taught me how to persevere in all situations.
If we would have doubted that we could be parents, we could have easily been discouraged at least 5 times. Every time an obstacle was placed in our path, we smashed through it.
We made the decision to adopt. But we didn't know where to begin. It took us a good week to figure that out. Then we needed to make decisions. Did we want a local baby? Or an international baby? The variable between the two was time and money. The more money we spent, the quicker we could achieve our objective. If an international adoption, what country did we want to adopt from? Each country had different issues and regulations to facilitate the adoption. The social worker who was assigned to us, always using the cover your ass strategy couldn't give us direct advice. She would point us in the right direction and then we would have to figure things out for ourselves. We had to fill out document after document. The pile was 4 inches high when we were all done. Just the documents took us 3 weeks to fill out. And we worked on them every night to keep things moving forward.
Once the documents were filled out, they were analyzed to see if we would get an approval to move to the next stage, which was the home study. We got approved! A stranger came to our home and evaluated us over 4 visits that lasted about 3 hours per visit. The questions were really hard. Luckily she was nice and made us feel comfortable with our answers.
Once the visits were finished, we waited another 4 weeks for the social worker to write a report to the province recommending us for adoption. Just when we thought the hard part was done, we got another surprise.
Now it was time for us to find an adoption agency in our country of choice: United States. After talking to another couple in Moncton, we got a recommendation for American Adoptions out of Kansas.
The process doesn't seem complicated now, but it took us 18 months to get to this stage. All the while, we are being approached by other people for potential private adoptions.
One young teenager, who had family ties, had lost her baby to the province. She had asked the province to let us adopt her baby. We spent $1000 in legal fees trying to get a judgement in our favour. But to no avail, the baby was to be adopted by another lucky couple.
Each time, it seemed like babies were being moved around and we were being passed over.
Once we established a relationship with American Adoptions, we got another pile of documents that had to be filled out. Again at least 4 inches thick. We completed it all and had to compose a profile document. The profile was used as a brochure to birth mothers. The profile was the only information a birth mother would use to make a decision on the placement of her child. We spent another 3 months on this profile.
Finally, we had jumped through all of the hoops. We got activated on the list January 27. We were told the average match took about 2-6 months. It was so close we couldn't help it. We were so excited.
With everything we had done, this last part seemed too easy. Something wasn't right. We got the next slap in the face less than a month later. The company I worked for restructured its marketing department. On February 23, I lost my job.
To be continued...
If we would have doubted that we could be parents, we could have easily been discouraged at least 5 times. Every time an obstacle was placed in our path, we smashed through it.
We made the decision to adopt. But we didn't know where to begin. It took us a good week to figure that out. Then we needed to make decisions. Did we want a local baby? Or an international baby? The variable between the two was time and money. The more money we spent, the quicker we could achieve our objective. If an international adoption, what country did we want to adopt from? Each country had different issues and regulations to facilitate the adoption. The social worker who was assigned to us, always using the cover your ass strategy couldn't give us direct advice. She would point us in the right direction and then we would have to figure things out for ourselves. We had to fill out document after document. The pile was 4 inches high when we were all done. Just the documents took us 3 weeks to fill out. And we worked on them every night to keep things moving forward.
Once the documents were filled out, they were analyzed to see if we would get an approval to move to the next stage, which was the home study. We got approved! A stranger came to our home and evaluated us over 4 visits that lasted about 3 hours per visit. The questions were really hard. Luckily she was nice and made us feel comfortable with our answers.
Once the visits were finished, we waited another 4 weeks for the social worker to write a report to the province recommending us for adoption. Just when we thought the hard part was done, we got another surprise.
Now it was time for us to find an adoption agency in our country of choice: United States. After talking to another couple in Moncton, we got a recommendation for American Adoptions out of Kansas.
The process doesn't seem complicated now, but it took us 18 months to get to this stage. All the while, we are being approached by other people for potential private adoptions.
One young teenager, who had family ties, had lost her baby to the province. She had asked the province to let us adopt her baby. We spent $1000 in legal fees trying to get a judgement in our favour. But to no avail, the baby was to be adopted by another lucky couple.
Each time, it seemed like babies were being moved around and we were being passed over.
Once we established a relationship with American Adoptions, we got another pile of documents that had to be filled out. Again at least 4 inches thick. We completed it all and had to compose a profile document. The profile was used as a brochure to birth mothers. The profile was the only information a birth mother would use to make a decision on the placement of her child. We spent another 3 months on this profile.
Finally, we had jumped through all of the hoops. We got activated on the list January 27. We were told the average match took about 2-6 months. It was so close we couldn't help it. We were so excited.
With everything we had done, this last part seemed too easy. Something wasn't right. We got the next slap in the face less than a month later. The company I worked for restructured its marketing department. On February 23, I lost my job.
To be continued...
Saturday, March 22, 2014
How we started our family - Part 1
Child birth is a special, exhilarating, exhausting, exhaling event so I'm told. My wife and I spent two days in the hospital waiting for our friends' daughter to be born. Aline was actually in the room with the mother at the very moment, the baby took her first breath. I had gone home for a few hours sleep. I was never going to see this moment until it was my turn as a dad. The mother didn't feel comfortable having me in the delivery room when the time came, so I was only there for moral support.
We were trying to have a baby about three years before that. We couldn't conceive. At first we thought it was just poor timing. Every time our families would ask us about grandchildren, we would go home and cry. We wanted a family so bad. We felt wronged that others who didn't want kids could pop them out like groundhogs. We questioned God's fairness.
It was time to seek medical advice. Doctors confirmed everything was ok for both of us. To speed up the process, the doctors suggested we hire a private clinic to induce artificial insemination.
At first, we had to take Aline's temperature to determine her ovulation cycle, then we had to keep a graph of the details of our sexual encounter. At first, we would laugh that the graph was a great momento of our sexual escapades of the time. That soon faded as the process became more technical.
As the situation escalated, the magic of conception was thrown in the garbage. I watched my wife get strapped into metal stirrups, all while three people clamped her open and added my contribution. All while Aline was injecting hormones to help the process.
We did this for 4 months. Every month started off with an extreme high of excitement and hope followed 15 days later by intense lows. One time after an extreme low, Aline called me crying so despairingly that she couldn't even make a sound. I thought the line was dead. Then I heard a faint whimper, a sign that someone was actually on the other end of the phone. I rushed home to find her on the floor in the fetal position. It was the weakest I have ever seen her. I had to be strong, so I never showed my pain. I waited until she went to bed so I could cry myself to sleep.
Side effects of the hormones started showing up. Aline developed a dark rash on her stomach, roughly where her ovaries would be. We had read reports that suggested the drugs Aline was taking could cause ovarian cancer. The rash, combined with the extra emotion and the amount of money we dished out led to change our minds about artificial insemination. We were out a significant amount of money and there were no guarantees that an extra dose of cash would change our baby situation. Plus we felt the risks were getting too high.
That was the day, we sat down and decided that we were going to adopt. Adoption was going to be three times more expensive but at least there was a guaranteed baby at the end of the process.
As despair increasingly grew, to keep our spirits up, I used to say, "It's not a question of "if" we'll have a baby. It's a question of "when" we'll get her".
To be continued...
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